My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
