there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
