he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
