Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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