When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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