Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
