a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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