i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
