My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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