So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
