just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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