i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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