You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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