all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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