Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
