Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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