My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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