Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
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well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
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Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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