There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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