Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
