Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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