the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
