i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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