Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
