i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
