I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
