In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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