you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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