i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
