If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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