he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
