I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
