So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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