I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
