tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
