went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
