my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
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she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
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I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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