Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
