Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
