we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
