I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
