Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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