my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
