Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
These tits shall not be calmed
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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