what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
