It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
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they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
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Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?