Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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