i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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