Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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