Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
