Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
