you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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