It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
