I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
