I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You dont lie about slip and slides
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
