No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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