Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
