I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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