He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
