I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
