he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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