I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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